Wow, That's Funny
The wheel has come full square, so to speak, and now it is Kingdom of Heathen's turn to host the "Wow, That's Funny" Carnival once more. A collection of witticisms, the carnival is a friendly competition for comedic superiority.
We've got 22 very good witticisms today, and I look forward to seeing which way the vote goes.
The winner of the last carnival, held at Hindustan Without the Hindu was Seth. But that's old news.
If everyone who reads this post would please vote for their 3 favorite quips in the comments section, it would be much appreciated. Also, the voting shall end 14 days from now, May 15th. I think that about covers it. Now, onto the carnival:
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valid to Jews, gays, and Mexicans.
Studies show that 98% of teenagers don’t pay attention to statistics.
Copy/paste this if you're part of the 4% that does.
1. Right, so we can see from this that earthquakes affect poor people the most, people living in 3rd world countries who are unable to afford good living conditions and whose meager building collapse under the slightest vibration
2. ...you mean like the Amish?
My dog was chasing her tail yesterday, and caught heartworm.
They say it's a sin to kill a mockingbird, but what they don't tell you
is how much oil they buy from the noisy bastards.
2: You know what I think is funny?
1: No, what?
2: Humorous jokes with an amusing punch line told in an engaging manner by a competent teller.
1: ... I hate you.
Friends don't let friends drive drunk. Well, except for Howie. Man,
Howie's cool. Did you go to his party last week? Dude! It was
awesome! I got so wasted! Also, my mom says we can't see each other
Damn, I’d kill to be in her shoes… and pants.
1. I’m sorry sweetie… It just isn’t working
2. I’ll stop sleeping with other people… I promise!
1. Other people? This is because of the drugs thing!
I don't get discouraged when my jokes fail. I just remember, "Only 5%
of all jokes are funny. The rest are copied from Woody Allen."
Hi! Do you want a shoulder to cry on? Its only $12 an hour!
1. So I was telling one of my patients he had AIDS
2. Oh… That’s terrible. How did he take it?
1. Well at first he looked like he was about to cry. Then he put his head in his hands. Then he got up shook my hand and thanked me. And then…
2. What happened? Did he faint? What?
1. …And then the cheese rolled in!
1. So wait… If I touched a stove, and yelled “Sweet Zombie Jesus!” it would hold up in court that Jesus is, in fact, a sweet confectionary undead treat?
2 Yes unless they can prove that you were insane at the moment or currently are insane.
1. … Damn…
Is that an erect penis in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
You must be this short to ride the priest
1. Hey man, what is going on?
2. Good. I’m good, you?
It’s a love-hate relationship. I love her, and she hates me.
2. …you realize you’re not scary or intimidating at all?
1. Maybe not when I say BOO.
1. Yes, when I’m really scary and intimidating is when I follow you home to your house one day after school and rape you viciously.S
2: Check this out!
1: What is it?
2: A library book.
1: You think I'd've learned better by now...
Sex sells, but love buys.
Love is blind, lust is just near-sighted.
What the hell is up with Easter? Jesus apparently dies, and is apparently reborn, and we celebrate it with a big furry bunny that has neither died nor been reborn, and a bunch of eggs that haven't even been born in the first place.
If you want my advice, we should change the name to "Jesus Day" and, instead of chocolate bunnies, have chocolate Jesus’. And we should fill the inside with cherry-colored goo, so that when a kid bites off the head of a chocolate Jesus, the cherry brings him or her that much closer to that imaginary character that we all know and love.