See the light, yo.

So there's a contest. This is the first draft of my entry:

"And the LORD spake unto his disciples, commanding, 'Thou shalt boil thine Holy Noodles, and stir them three times hitherto; four shall not be the number of stirs you stir, nor two. Unless, of course, thou shalt stir unto three times shortly thereafter. And then you shall hurl thine Holy Noodles unto thine heathen enemy, in His Noodliness's mercy.'" Noodleonomy 24:16-24:17

I once deserved to have Holy Noodles hurled at me. In fact, I probably do now. Hell, maybe everyone deserves to have Holy Noodles hurled at them; aren't we all sinners?

Ah, but some of his sinners have indeed seen the light, and lo, it is Noodly. It was not long ago that I was first touched by His Noodly Appendage. He touched me in my sleep. I was dreaming, as usual, of penguins. As I dreamt of sliding down snowy slopes with my furry friends, I tripped…over a meatball. In my dream, I looked into the sky, and behold! His Noodliness was reaching towards me! Then I woke up, and saw that actually––well, that's a different story.

Of course, I was first a skeptic. But I was soon bogged down by the mass of evidence there is for His Noodliness. I was naturally swayed by the ('coincidental') universal appearance of pasta throughout history. However, I was tipped over the edge when four-thousand year old noodles were discovered in China. And they were, as the prophecy said, rolled from dough of millet grains! And I quote:

"Behold! When the LORD brings the Earth to a simmer, and the sauce melts, shall the LORD's son be discovered. And lo! He shall be of no taxonomic group, as the LORD had not created taxonomy when he gave birth to his son. And lo! The phrase 'gave birth' is a general term, and shall not be interpreted to assign a specific sex to the LORD; his Noodliness may very well have impregnated the earth through nonsexual means, or maybe caNoodled with some sort of easily-seduced female being." Pastalms 137:2-137:3

How can anyone deny this eyewitness testimony to the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? As usual, the only excuse for non-belief is non-education. The heathens should all be ashamed. They should be forbidden from EVER eating Ramen noodles. No! Angel-hair pasta! No! Linguini! Why, let us forbid them from ever consuming ANY sort of comestible produced by rolling and cutting dough, or, as in some cases, forcing dough through holes in a plate, known as a "die." Yes! Let that be the course of action we take! And while we're at it, let us hurl Holy Noodles at them!

Well, I don't want to be labeled as a firebrand. All I want is equality; and for me to have more of it than others. Ramen.