WTF! Carnival # 3

Yeah, yeah, it's the fourth edition and we have the same basic contributors. But all good things take time to get off the ground, and if you enjoy this, I encourage you to promote it on your own blog. Now without further ado, this month's assortment of quips; you get 3 votes, and voting ends on the 15th:

A
1: How about... never mind.
2: No, tell me.
1 Oh, you wouldn't understand.
2: Try me
1: O, nunca entenderias.

B
A guy walks into a bar. Then he has a Guiness, two Budweisers, and a Sam Adams. Then he plays pool for a while, and snacks on peanuts. Then, when he's in a state of complete inebriation, he ravenously feeds upon peanuts and hits on several waitresses. Then, as his drunken condition intensifies, he rolls about on the floor with his shirt off. Then, the barkeeper throws him out, hollering "Next time bring a punchline, you bastard!"

C
1. Hello, I have a message for a ‘Jeffrey’, have I reached him?
2. This is he. Who is this?
1. I am of no consequence, but I have a message for you.
2. From who?
1. A person.
2. Oh. Give the message.
1. Alrighty. *ahem* … ‘Is your teakettle as homosexual as you are? Because if it is, it will have homosexuality coming out of the wazoo.’
2. …
1. If in future you too require my unique services, I can be
reached at 1-800-UP-WAZOO. Call toll free! Thank you.

D
The dark side: Not affiliated with the light side. Although they have some pretty snazzy parties.

E
I couldn't stand FDR, but then again, neither could he.

F
1: You have to think outside the box!
2: Okay, and how do I go about doing that?

G
It was just a minor fender-bender, but twelve people in the other car died.

H
The apathy police called, but nobody cared enough to listen.

I
1: Oy, is that a bald spot on your head?
2: I think so, but you're one of the first people to notice, so it must not be too serious.
1: Wait…lemme look closer…oh, geez.
2: What?
1: That's not a bald spot…that's a tumor!
2: Oh, well, I guess that explains the searing pain.

J
Everything I say is a lie. Heck, even this sentence is a lie! Actually, that's not true.

K
This how-to guide got me through writing this how-to guide.

L
1. I have spoken with the Lord!
2. Oh really? What did he or she look like?
1. Well, he was wearing a hat.
2. A fishing hat?
1. No…
2. Oh, he is no lord of mine.

M
Some of the things submitted to this carnival are funny. This is not one of those things.

N
Girl: Uh, do you wear mascara?
Boy: Heh, no, I'm just naturally beautiful.
Girl: I see.
Boy: Yep!
Girl: Well, then you really should see a doctor about those dark things under your eyes.
Boy: …Oh.

O
If you laugh at this, you're gay.